Being Human

This blog is a little longer than usual, you may wish to digest it differently. Below you will find a PDF that’s is more of an in feel version should you wish to take your time with the fuller content.

Written in 2020

“Ashes” a song by by Celine Dion https://youtu.be/CX11yw6YL1w

When Everything Split Open at Once

THE GRACE IN BEING HUMAN
The Beginning Of What Felt Like The End

It has been 5 years since my life and all of the hopes and dreams I had imagined were blown apart.

A diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis and simultaneous relationship breakdown.

5 years and I still have not recovered from the traumatic experiences that unfolded. A whole sense of life and hopes gone at the same time. It was too much. I have been trying to recover since. Previously I just wanted my life back, all that gave rise to a sense of belonging, joy, potential and dreams. I have a sense of having lost so much… just gone… just like that, all at once.

Gone with it were large parts of who I felt I once was.

Inherited Beliefs and the Quiet Architecture of Worth

I have never asked much from life, I have never expected much but if I’m honest it also wasn’t coming from a place of wisdom in a healthy way. It was more on the lines of ‘I am never important enough or good enough to have returned any of what I feel’. I had the underlying belief that it just doesn’t work out for me. I wasn’t enough and something else would always be more important.

There is a saying: ‘Be careful what you tell yourself, you are listening’ the idea being that it will give rise to your reality created from within your own mind. It is something I have been working diligently. I came to recognise that what I ‘offered’ was actually flawed. I never believed myself good enough or worthy enough to be loved in a reciprocal consistent way . I believe that this core sense contributed, in part, to the sense of loss and failure at such a pivotal and vulnerable time in life. Not that I was to blame but that I too had a role.

It is important to note that I was at the time also honouring internally the deep loss of a person whom I held dear (no breakdown in relating, rather just a deep life shift creating change) whom had been a consistent place of stability to which I could turn to for support. I have deep gratitude to this person, this is where I learned healthy attachment. That there can be stability and trust, that my life experiences didn’t define me, that people are fallible but I can still trust some of them and at any time I can find safety inside myself no matter what. This person has been a beacon of light and wisdom throughout, even here and now and will continue to be.

Learning to Stop Mistaking Thought for Truth

Throughout my short life I’ve have found myself in many hard times (mostly not of my own making but occasionally in adulthood of course) looking to the people around me to just pick me up and love me harder for a moment, because that is what I have needed as a human, but life didn’t work out so. Early attachment is important to understand for future connections and overall wellbeing. I learned eventually (after much turmoil and resistance) to pick my self up and hold my own (and have for the majority of the time) we can’t always have the things we wish for and sometimes things are also not what we really need.

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Attachment, Identity, and the Self That Tightens Under Pressure

I have had some fundamental core beliefs to challenge and transform. We have to challenge our unhelpful core beliefs as they create undercurrents of feeling that drive us and most of the time we are unaware of this. In moments of stress our tendency is to revert to these undercurrents rather than responding from our wiser more grown selves. We benefit most from discovering and acknowledging all that clouds and hides, obscures or keeps our heart hidden in fear of potential hurt. These beliefs and undercurrents may be a way of initially helping to keep us from experiencing hurt but in the long run they can end up keeping us from love, bonding, loving healthily, connecting intimately, communicating effectively and finding comfort with another/ each other. Holding back protecting ourselves out of fear leads to breakdowns in communication, further fear, imagined scenarios or rehashing of the old stories we once told ourselves and stress is mostly the result. All of this can and will likely give rise to strong self attachment.

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The Ethics of Care, Boundaries and Becoming Clearer

Each person has their personal journey in life and that’s ok we each find the light in differing ways and at different stages. Science and heart teachings show us that as we grow we benefit most from opening ourselves up, by de-armouring our hearts, by not holding ‘our sense of truth’ in moments as absolute and fixed. By taking small calculated risks and widening our experience with others embracing the diversity of difference in our interconnectedness, we have an opportunity to grow.

It is helpful for us to learn about the non-solidity of our thoughts and feelings. How they inhibit our ability to know and grow with trust beyond our safety walls. It may inhibit sense of belonging beyond the things we identify with ‘me’ and ‘mine’ and interrupt stable consistent healthy relating. Really seeing, catching, understanding and adapting our habits can help and support change.

We are likely to find that there is a struggle to truly open our hearts. We may find ourselves remaining close only to what feels safe, risk averse (and may even try hide this from ourselves, very well) and as a consequence we may never grow beyond our walls. We may even shift those walls around to tell ourselves we have changed but it’s just the same walls reordered. The problems will likely show up time and again.

Early attachment is important to understand for future connections and overall wellbeing. I learned eventually (after much turmoil and resistance) to pick myself up and hold my own (and have for the majority of the time) we can’t always have thethings we wish for and sometimes things are also not what we really need.

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Grief That Doesn’t Move but Changes Shape

What is it that has been lost? I have a fulfilling life and future potential… yet still there is grief.

Something is needing honoured in this heart…

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What Is Actually Missing When Everything Else Is Still Here

Perhaps the question is not what has been lost, but what do I feel is missing?

I think the answer is my freedom to flow with deeply embodied love and affection. This has been stifled and left me with anxiety as to if it’s ever allowed.

There is so much love bursting at the seams within this heart but it doesn’t flow, it can’t flow as it no longer has a place to go. So it sits stagnant or held tight in a small ball.

Perhaps it is about with time trusting there will be a space that allows it just to exist.

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Letting Feeling Exist Without Turning It Into Identity

It is not good for our health or wellbeing to live a life shutting down emotions that we experience.

We need the freedom to exist just as we are.

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Interbeing and the Collapse of Separation Stories

If we cut ourselves off from the reality of suffering we cannot have compassion.

We are not separate.

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When Pain Becomes a Kind of Instruction

Whilst reflecting on all of this I recognise also that our human tendency can be to want to stay with all that feels like light, easiness and bliss.

However abiding with these hard moments can bring deep healing.

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The Moment Everything Feels Present Again

Currently within at this moment I am feeling a wobble. Exhausted, strung out and confused.

There’s a sense of bracing myself still, what will be taken from under my feet next?

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The Work Continues Even When the Body Doesn’t Cooperate

Once this body I live in is well again I can choose this path of going inward, the inner work.

Understanding undercurrents and letting them soften. I wish and need to soften. I wish to feel safe enough to do so.

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Authenticity Without Armour

I’m sharing this today as I am starting from where I am at right now.

No bells and whistles.

This post marks my intention to keep going.

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Art as a Place Where Meaning Keeps Reassembling Itself

This artistic journey is about opening up heart to all that is bigger than ‘me’

How we make meaning, how tightly we hold it and create our lives from it.

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The Question That Remains Open

‘We know what we are, but know not what we may be.’

What might we be if we allowed ourselves to live most honestly? Many do but most don’t. We on the majority tend to adapt.

“When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us.” ~ Suzinn Weiss

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DEEPER REFLECTION:

Grace as Practice, Not Arrival

“The everyday practice is simply to develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions”

This is not where I am right now but I hope and aim to come to abide in this way.

Building walls may be a way of initially helping to keep us from experiencing hurt but in the long run they can end up keeping us from love, bonding, loving healthily, connecting intimately, communicating effectively and finding comfort.

Holding back protecting ourselves out of fear leads to breakdowns in communication, further fear, imagined scenarios or rehashing of the old stories we once told ourselves and of course stress is mostly the result.

This can result in feelings of loneliness, feeling misunderstood, not fitting in, awkwardness, avoidance and isolation.

These feelings then can go on and feed into a cycle of habitual escapism and keep us from opening up our hearts. Armouring instead. If we remain so attached to ‘ourselves’ and ‘my’, ‘I’ based thoughts and beliefs or take them so seriously as if they are solid facts or absolutes then we are likely to find that there is a struggle to truly open our hearts.

We may find ourselves remaining close only to what feels safe, risk averse (and may even try hide this from ourselves, very well) and as a consequence may never grow beyond our walls. We may even shift those walls around to tell ourselves we have changed but it’s just the same walls reordered. The problems will likely show up time and again. If caught in this habit unawares the tendency, most likely, will be to project our ‘self’ based stories and beliefs outward and it may become a struggle to hear anything else but our own thoughts and feelings. It could inhibit our ability to know and grow with trust beyond our ‘safety’ walls.

Each person has their personal journey in life and that’s ok we each find the light in differing ways and at different stages. Science and heart teachings show us that as we grow we benefit most from opening ourselves up, by de-armouring our hearts, by not holding ‘our sense of truth’ in moments as absolute and fixed.

By taking small calculated risks and widening our experience with others embracing the diversity of difference in our interconnectedness, we have an opportunity to grow.

It is helpful for us to learn about the non-solidity of our thoughts and feelings, that there are other truths too. All equally non-solid, transient and subjective but there.

Life is suffering, being so attached to our sense of ‘self’ and the stories we tell ourselves then rejecting what doesn’t fit our narrative is one part of the root of that.

Love is important, belonging is a human need. Feelings are transient however, as are our thoughts, not based in solid absolute truth like we can tend to believe. I reflect how can someone else find the equanimity of love and care with us if we do not have a sense of love enough to open from our solid belief in the absoluteness of ‘our own’ sense making, and attachment to ‘our’ truth? (no matter the relationship). Fear and ‘self’ protection can only keep us from love, connection and belonging.

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MS and the Question of Being Seen

MS, for me, has brought up feelings of lostness and hopelessness, for example, feelings and wonderings of who would truly wish to spend time with a person or build any kind of reciprocal relating with all the fears that Multiple Sclerosis brings. Who wants to embrace that which to an outsider may appear challenging and restrictive? Facing potential changes in connection, appearance and presence? Not knowing how to be or what to say?

People’s projected perceptions of Multiple Sclerosis have and do affect this, among other things, but also so does ‘my’ mindset too. I have held a core belief that I am burden and with or without intention this has been frequently been reflected back in many different forms of relationships. I now understand this reflects more the level of a persons capacity and awareness in those moments rather than any sense of value and worth I may be feeling (or creating).

I came to believe through too many life experiences and messages that I wasn’t worth it, not worth the choice, not worth the effort and not worth reciprocal love. That however is not true.

It is hard work detaching from our beliefs and the things we tell ourselves in our emotional states. They are strong protective (but eventually harmful) habits.

If we examine long enough it is likely that we find is no absolute truth to these thoughts or feelings. We may instead find attachment to sense of self, and protection of that sense of self.

There just may be a truth deeper than what we think and feel based on our subjective perceptions. Do we look inside often enough? If so how deeply do we really explore our sense of truth? Where are the facts that prove this absoluteness? Could there be a lot of assumption happening? If so why would that be? Then once more, so what is the truth? These stories we tell ourselves can serve to hold together our sense of self and to protect ‘us’ but it’s not necessarily how things are. Life is uncertainty, not knowing is a thing. If we look the likelihood is that we will find that present thoughts and feelings will shift and change because they have no solidity or fixedness.

Purpose of This Post

There is a saying: ‘Be careful what you tell yourself, you are listening’ and it will give rise to your reality from your own mind. It is something I have been working diligently to remedy these last few years. I came to recognise that what I ‘offered’ was actually flawed. I never believed myself good enough or worthy enough to be loved in a reciprocal consistent way. I believe that this core sense contributed, in part, to a sense of loss and failure at such a pivotal and vulnerable time in life.

The purpose of this post is to share the origins of this art project, exploring the deeper “why” behind it, personal reflections, and any growth since I began this journey in 2016. This piece expands on my previous post, “In Search of Meaning (ii),” focusing on what it means to be human and how this experience manifests for each of us.

I have shown little respect for my own needs or personal boundaries. It’s crucial to acknowledge and respect these boundaries, even as they evolve with maturity. Failing to do so has led to tolerating unhelpful behaviours and allowing too much space for things that ultimately hinder long-term wellbeing.

When we neglect our own boundaries, some individuals may take advantage of our kindness and patience, some knowingly, while others may be unaware due to their own needs. I have internalised messages about worth and how I should feel or exist, which have hindered my own growth.

It’s important to acknowledge that these internalised messages often come from others struggling with their own hurts and insecurities, influenced by an ancestral cycle of beliefs and behaviours.

Contemplating Relative Cause and Effect

There’s a lesson often shared about scrunching a piece of paper: once it’s crumpled, it can’t return to its original state, no matter how hard you try to flatten it. I wish someone had taught me this lesson as a child, as it illustrates life’s cause and effect. This happens to us and equally we all create “scrunches” on others’. For some, it can be challenging to let go of those marks. Regaining trust, once lost, is difficult; the impressions remain no matter our efforts. Rebuilding trust requires willingness, effort, and investment, but many don’t know how or may be too afraid to try.

No matter how much we grow and change, those marks still exist in the space between people. It’s hard to retract what’s already happened. Healing is a journey and sometimes it may feel too late or beyond our control, but we owe it to ourselves to heal our hearts. We must learn to be aware of our actions, as each has its consequences. Sometimes, events happen to us that require nothing more than space for healing, the ebb and flow of human experience.

In the Still Moments

Reflecting on an earlier post from 2016, I find I am still sitting with the same grief. It has never left me. I must hold a sense of abiding (often messy and uncomfortable) with whatever arises and subsides. The grief remains a consistent presence, unchanged.

So, what is it that has been lost? Why does the deep-rooted feeling of grief persist in the quiet moments? This question needs to be asked repeatedly until I hear what my heart is trying to communicate.

Holding this loss inside, looking at it and feeling it all these years, it remains unchanged.

What is it trying to express? At the end of the day, it’s all just stories. Everything is transient, non-solid, impermanent. Yet there is a static sense of being held. I feel a thin golden thread connecting my feelings to something deeply significant, not yet manifested. But what is that?

Maybe part of my heart and identity died that year and I haven’t properly acknowledged it. Perhaps the instinct to contain the pain and shock has created a breath that has yet to be fully exhaled in another story later in life.

Something needs to be honoured in my heart. There’s something suppressed that needs to speak. What is feeling lost yet also not yet present?

Two things come to mind:

Grief is love with nowhere to go ~ Jamie Anderson

and

In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques” which means, “you are missing from me”

Perhaps ‘what has been lost?’ isn’t the question at all. Perhaps the question is what do I feel is missing? I think the answer is my freedom to flow with deeply felt love and affection. Expressing and allowing the love that lives in my heart to flow freely and joyfully without constriction, suffocation or holding in fear of loss time and again.

Life can be challenging and it’s essential not to suppress our feelings but instead cultivate a steadiness around them. This allows us to tend to our tender inner spaces while living congruently and respectfully. It’s okay to acknowledge our emotions without imposing them on others; perhaps it is healthier for them to exist and breathe freely, fostering a sense of internal balance.

Authenticity means allowing love to exist in its raw honesty, showing kindness and care for its narrative. I am learning that it’s acceptable to simply be, embracing that authenticity without the need to adapt for others. All truths and stories coexist; none is more valid than another they are merely different energies.

May this artistic journey provide space for all stifled and suppressed moments to finally breathe and express themselves.

I know I can’t return to my past life; everything is impermanent and change is the essence of existence. I seek something healthier and more mature. As Heraclitus said:

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

It’s okay to be who we are. I’m learning that there is space to exist without attachment to our story of ourselves. These attachments often keep us trapped in unhelpful habits hindering genuine growth. Other stories and adventures await if we embrace everything within, befriending our emotions and allowing our hearts to open. There’s a song to sing, like a bird in a tree, letting each note drift on the wind.

Today

“If we cut ourselves off from the reality of suffering, whether our own or that of others, we cannot have compassion.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Like the lotus, we mature and bloom from the mud of our challenges. When we negate our struggles, we cause harm. While it’s important to let these feelings settle for clarity, we must remember that our mind’s chatter is just stories intertwined with the lives of others. We are not separate; our story is part of a larger tapestry of existence and all truths are subjective.

We often prefer to stay in the light, avoiding what feels difficult or threatens our sense of self or safety. Yet, by facing hard moments head-on, we can cultivate deep growth. Suffering can become the seed of wisdom.

A Simple Poem About Healing

“I’ve learned a whole lot more about the light. By being open to the darkness than by only enclosing myself in just light.” — Jennifer Williamson

Time has taught me compassion and forgiveness for things that may never be acknowledged. Forbearance, patience, grace and kindness, regardless of circumstance. It’s vital to avoid assumptions, as our perceptions can be flawed.

While it’s natural to seek peace and bliss, true presence involves accepting what is, which leads to equanimity. Our interconnectedness calls for clarity in our motivations. Western values often prioritise intellect and achievement, overshadowing the importance of compassion and emotional awareness.

Reflecting on my life, I realise I wasn’t taught to value the heart or develop wisdom-based loving-kindness.

When we don’t relate well, we may feel adrift or confused, often leading to a sense of failure. It’s crucial to recognise that we don’t need to build walls or defend our identities. Open-heartedness doesn’t mean neglecting boundaries; instead, it involves flexibility and trust.

Ultimately, we must learn that our truths may not be absolute and there’s space for growth beyond our self-narratives. Boundaries protect us, but they can adapt as we learn and build trust. We are responsible for nurturing the aspects of life we wish to flourish, knowing that compassion and genuine connection are vital.

In this moment, I feel like an onion, peeling away layers of healing from the scrunches of my life. Those inflicted upon me, those I’ve caused and those that have cycled back to me.

To connect with authenticity, I must look beyond personal meanings and develop awareness of how my life has unfolded. I need to relax into simply being, accepting the present as it is; perhaps this acceptance is a wake-up call.

I’ve learned to forgive myself for what I didn’t know and to trust that I can grow by becoming more thoughtful and open. It’s important to recognise my inner motivations and their impacts, cultivating long-term compassion instead of just momentary kindness. This isn’t always easy, especially when I’m feeling unwell and less resilient.

I honour my feelings, even if they aren’t correct or true. These feelings arise from subjective, transient stories that can always be rewritten if I choose. I’ve learned to be brave in the face of adversity and uncertainty, acknowledging that I know very little. This blog is just a snapshot of my personal learning process.

Right now, I feel wobbly and exhausted, a result of a long illness. I sense echoes of vulnerability from years past.

A wise man once told me, “No big deal, no expectations.” If I could remember this consistently, it would benefit. I must create space within myself and trust that everything will be okay.

Once I feel healthy and resilient again, I can turn inward, shedding layers like an onion to better understand my heart and motivations. I want to let go of the emotional undercurrents. My hope is to understand our shared humanity better, to benefit others, and to dissolve the unnecessary “me” and “my” positions that no longer serve.

Continuing This Inner Journey

I share this as a starting point, feeling a shift in my life. It’s time to find the permission to open up, even if I don’t know how to begin. This post marks my commitment to keep going, despite fear. We often believe we know so much, but the truth is that we know very little. This art project is about opening my heart to what transcends the individual, exploring our humanity and the stories that shape us. It’s about understanding how we create meaning from our experiences and how tightly we cling to these perceived realities.

Here is a link to an inspiring and wonderful artist Christopher Remmers who is pondering the question “Why is authenticity important?” especially for creatives https://www.facebook.com/615659948893720/posts/962839977509047/?vh=e

“Everything reverts back to being genuine. Whenever there’s a gap, the only way to be a warrior is to refer back to the genuineness, which is somewhat raw and so tender and painful. That is the saving grace or the safety precaution, so that the warrior never goes astray and never grows a thick skin”

~ Chögyam Trungpa

‘WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE, BUT KNOW NOT WHAT WE MAY BE.’ ~ HAMLET

Well maybe and also maybe we do not. Maybe we only hear the stories we tell ourselves and maybe there is more to that, more underneath, more on a subtle undetected unconsciously driven level. More on an micro level, physically, emotionally, elementally, and energetically.

This is the journey I wish to take, to look deeper at this entity I call ‘me’ and ‘you’ more deeply. We are a sum of all the stories that we have listened to about ourselves? Or is there another truth about who ‘we’ are?

I hope to understand the entity that I call ‘you’ too with more patience, understanding and acceptance.

I have faith that alongside the artwork, I can unravel from my own life conditioning and habits to give rise to a more open heart. To understand differently beyond the things that I think ‘I know’ to discovering a different truth whilst also exploring yours. Maybe, just maybe, in sharing this journey it can help another person too.

These senses of ours create a perception that feels absolute yet it is never so. We cling to our thoughts and idea of self and what matters to us so hard that we can’t see the wider picture. Things are never as we think. So much is unknown, uncertainty is life and through this journey I hope there is an opening. Nothing is known everything is uncertain and anything is possible. Just as Shakespeare wrote above “we know not what we may be”, can we find opportunity and comfort in that?

With Grace

“The everyday practice is simply to develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions, and to all people, experiencing everything totally without mental reservations and blockages, so that one never withdraws or centralizes into oneself “ ~ Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

This is not where I am right now in the here and now but I hope and aim, with all of this artwork, enquiry and process to come to abide in this way.

My artwork is deeply rooted in the reflections I share here and the ongoing journey of learning and growth. It is inspired by conversations with individuals worldwide and calls for participation in various projects. The Being Human project invites your insights as well, focusing on life lessons and our interpretations of experience. As one among over 7 billion people, I ask: How do you navigate the complexities of being human? How do these experiences shape you? What stories do you carry, and how tightly do you hold onto them?

I share a poem;

Grace

~ by Alison K Smith

I folded in
Less like origami
More like an armadillo
Which I know really
Is more of a rolling
Into a ball
All armour and exposure

But I folded
I got caught in the creases
And the greasy smears
Of grubby fingers
A scrunched piece of self
Like a forgotten shopping list
In the bottom of a bag

A relic

Slowly the unfolding begins
With an archaeological patience
Smoothing and coaxing
Each fold and scrunch
Every blemish and tear

At times it is stark
At others it’s reverent
Holy and sacred
To midwife your soul
To encounter the grace
In the creases and smears
The rips and the tears

The story of a life
Lived

The story of
Living

The story of
Love