Being Human

This blog is a little longer than usual, you may wish to digest it differently. Below you will find a PDF that’s is more of an in feel version should you wish to take your time with the fuller content.

Written in 2020

“Ashes” a song by by Celine Dion https://youtu.be/CX11yw6YL1w

The Shattering of Dreams

Five years have passed since my life and all the hopes and dreams I had imagined were shattered.

The Catalyst of Change

A diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis, coupled with the breakdown of a significant relationship and a close friendship, left me grappling with trauma. Five years later, the grief still lingers. I yearn for what once was—my partner, my friend, my sense of belonging. All of it, gone in an instant, leaving a gaping hole in my heart.

Lessons Learned

I’ve never asked much from life. To be honest, this mindset stemmed not from wisdom but from a feeling of inadequacy. Deep down, I believed that I was not enough and that something else would always matter more.

The Power of Self-Talk

There’s a saying: “Be careful what you tell yourself; you are listening.” This concept has resonated with me as I’ve worked diligently to reshape my inner dialogue. I recognised that what I offered was flawed, rooted in a belief of unworthiness and the fear of rejection.

The Grief of Loss

At that time, I was also mourning the deep loss of a person who had been a stable presence in my life. Their support taught me about healthy attachment—that life experiences do not define me and that trust is possible.

Heart Learning

Through challenging times, I often looked to others for love and support. However, I learned (after much turmoil) that self-reliance is vital.

Challenging Core Beliefs

We must confront our unhelpful core beliefs. These underlying feelings drive our behaviours, often without our awareness. In times of stress, we revert to these beliefs, which can hinder our ability to connect intimately and effectively communicate with others.

The Cycle of Protection

When we armour ourselves out of fear, we risk creating loneliness and misunderstanding. This self-centredness can inhibit growth and the ability to trust beyond our safety walls.

Embracing Change

Everyone’s journey is unique, and we each find light in different ways. Science and heart teachings emphasise the importance of de-armouring ourselves. By embracing the transient nature of thoughts and feelings, we can open ourselves to growth and connection.

“Seeing how the whole situation is created by ourselves, how things like praise and criticism are just words and yet one can make us happy and the other miserable. It is so silly to allow ourselves to be upset when we don’t get what we want, to be angry when someone criticises us, or happy when someone praises us. It’s so silly to discriminate, deciding one thing is good and another bad. We see this, and see how all this is the mind projecting and believing its own projections.” ~ Lama Zopa Rinpoche

Love is important, belonging is a human need. Feelings are transient however, as are our thoughts, not based in solid absolute truth like we can tend to believe. I reflect how can someone else find the equanimity of love and care with us if we do not have a sense of love enough to open from our solid belief in the absoluteness of ‘our own’ sense making, and attachment to ‘our’ truth? (no matter the relationship, friend, family, lover). Fear and ‘self’ protection can only keep us from love, connection and belonging.

“When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us.” ~ Suzinn Weiss

Allowing the Heart to Flow

Life often feels like a constant push and pull, where we suppress our true feelings to navigate daily responsibilities. This suppression is real; it’s as if love is bursting at the seams, yet it can’t flow freely. Instead, it remains stagnant—a frozen energy within us.

What if I allowed this love to be free? Instead of tightly packing it away, perhaps I should embrace it with open arms. My heart needs nurturing, kindness, and space to breathe and express itself without constraints. It doesn’t need to be returned; it simply desires the freedom to exist.

Embracing Uncertainty

Living with Multiple Sclerosis (MS) has brought forth feelings of lostness and hopelessness. I often wonder who would truly want to spend time with someone facing these challenges. How do I navigate the fear of potential changes in relationships, appearances, and my very presence?

This situation can sometimes attract unhealthy dynamics, such as control or co-dependency, which I find detrimental to my well-being. Stability is essential for nurturing both interdependent connections and independent growth.

Shifting Perspectives

While MS has brought significant challenges, it has also been a source of liberation and creativity. Yet, I often feel invisible, grappling with the beliefs that I am a burden. I realise now that this perception is more about others’ capacities to connect rather than my own worth.

Detaching from these limiting beliefs is crucial. Our thoughts are often influenced by our experiences, yet they don’t define absolute truths. When we explore our inner world, we might find that many of our convictions are merely assumptions.

The Importance of Connection

As I reflect on what truly matters, I see that fellowship, companionship, and belonging are fundamental human needs. Embracing differences and being open to diverse truths allows for deeper connections and a more comprehensive understanding of reality.

By learning to let go of rigid attachments to our versions of truth, we can cultivate a more flexible mindset. This openness fosters resilience during challenging times, allowing us to respond rather than react. It invites understanding that our experiences are often reflections of our internal state, not absolute realities.

Cultivating Awareness

When we fall into old patterns of thinking and relating, it’s often due to trapped trauma or outdated beliefs. Recognising this is vital for genuine growth. Mindful awareness enables us to catch ourselves in these moments and work toward calmness, although it requires patience.

By acknowledging all parts of ourselves—including those we might suppress—we can foster a deeper connection with others, avoiding the projection of unacknowledged feelings onto them.

Purpose of This Post

I have never asked much from life, I have never expected much but if I’m honest it wasn’t coming from a place of wisdom in a healthy way. It was more on the lines then of ‘I never felt important enough or good enough to have returned any of what I felt I offered in life from a young age’. I had the underlying belief that it just doesn’t work out for me. I wasn’t enough and something else would forever be more important. There is a saying: ‘Be careful what you tell yourself, you are listening’ and it will give rise to your reality from your own mind. It is something I have been working diligently to remedy these last few years. I came to recognise that what I ‘offered’ was actually flawed. I never believed myself good enough or worthy enough to be loved in a reciprocal consistent way (all of the above from a life of learned experience). I believe that this core sense contributed, in part, to a sense of loss and failure at such a pivotal and vulnerable time in life.

The purpose of this post is to share the origins of this art project, exploring the deeper “why” behind it, personal reflections, and any growth since I began this journey in 2016. This piece expands on my previous post, “In Search of Meaning (ii),” focusing on what it means to be human and how this experience manifests for each of us. I will examine the stories I’ve told myself about my life experiences and the beliefs I formed, which I’ve worked hard to shift.

I’ve learned that with the need for openness comes the necessity of wisdom. This wisdom involves reflecting on my thoughts, feelings, and actions and understanding how they have shaped my current reality. At times in my life, I have shown little respect for my own needs or personal boundaries. It’s crucial to acknowledge and respect these boundaries, even as they evolve with maturity. Failing to do so has led to tolerating unhelpful behaviours and allowing too much space for things that ultimately hinder my long-term wellbeing.

This also meant there were moments when I didn’t fully understand or respect others’ needs for boundaries. When we neglect our own boundaries, some individuals may take advantage of our kindness and patience—some knowingly, while others may be unaware due to their own needs. I approach this with compassion, recognising that we all have our histories and conditioning. Ultimately, the responsibility lies with us. I have internalised messages about worth and how I should feel or exist, which have hindered my emotional growth. Recognising this has made it my responsibility to evolve from these beliefs.

It’s important to acknowledge that these internalised messages often come from others struggling with their own hurts and insecurities, influenced by an ancestral cycle of beliefs and behaviours.

Contemplating Relative Cause and Effect

There’s a lesson often shared about scrunching a piece of paper: once it’s crumpled, it can’t return to its original state, no matter how hard you try to flatten it. I wish someone had taught me this lesson as a child, as it illustrates life’s cause and effect. We all create “scrunches” on others, and for some, it can be challenging to let go of those marks. Regaining trust, once lost, is difficult; the impressions remain no matter our efforts. Rebuilding trust requires willingness, effort, and investment, but many don’t know how or may be too afraid to try.

No matter how much we grow and change, those marks still exist in the space between people—friends, family, partners, and strangers. It’s hard to retract what’s already happened. Healing is a journey, and sometimes it may feel too late or beyond our control, but we owe it to ourselves to heal our hearts. We must learn to be aware of our actions, as each has its consequences. Sometimes, events happen to us that require nothing more than space for healing—the ebb and flow of our human experience.

In the Still Moments: Four Years On

Reflecting on an earlier post from 2016, I find I am still sitting with the same grief—it has never left me. I must hold a sense of abiding (often messy and uncomfortable) with whatever arises and subsides. The grief remains a consistent presence, unchanged.

But what is it that has been lost? I have a fulfilling life and uncertain future potential, surrounded by good people, a sense of purpose, and the ability to support and benefit others. I am grateful for these rich experiences.

My close friend has returned to my life. Although our relationship is different, there is an understanding between us. We support each other in new ways. While this brings a sense of loss, there is also healing.

So, what is it that has been lost? Why does the deep-rooted feeling of grief persist in the quiet moments? This question needs to be asked repeatedly until I hear what my heart is trying to communicate.

Holding this loss inside, looking at it and feeling it all these years, remains unchanged. What is it trying to express? At the end of the day, it’s all just stories. Everything is transient, non-solid, impermanent—yet there is a static sense of being held. I feel a thin golden thread connecting my feelings to something deeply significant within me. But what is that? Perhaps something has been packed away and lost. Maybe part of my heart and identity died that year, and I haven’t properly acknowledged it. Perhaps the instinct to contain the pain and shock has created a breath that has yet to be fully exhaled. There may still be reverberations of shock, disbelief, or unrealness.

Clearly, something needs to be honoured in my heart regarding all of this. There’s something suppressed within me that needs to speak. What is feeling lost?

Two things come to mind:

Grief is love with nowhere to go ~ Jamie Anderson

and

In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques” which means, “you are missing from me”

Perhaps ‘what has been lost?’ isn’t the question at all. Perhaps the question is what do I feel is missing? I think the answer is my freedom to flow with deeply felt love and affection. Expressing and allowing the love that lives in my heart to flow freely and joyfully without constriction, suffocation or holding in fear of loss time and again.

Life can be challenging, and it’s essential not to suppress our feelings but instead cultivate a steadiness around them. This allows us to tend to our tender inner spaces while living congruently and respectfully. It’s okay to acknowledge our emotions without imposing them on others; perhaps it is healthier for them to exist and breathe freely, fostering a sense of internal balance.

Authenticity means allowing love to exist in its raw honesty, showing kindness and care for its narrative. I am learning that it’s acceptable to simply be, embracing that authenticity without the need to adapt for others. All truths and stories coexist; none is more valid than another—they are merely different energies.

Shutting down emotions harms our well-being. If we find ourselves doing so, it’s essential to explore the underlying reasons. May this artistic journey provide space for all stifled and suppressed moments to finally breathe and express themselves.

I know I can’t return to my past life; everything is impermanent, and change is the essence of existence. I seek something healthier and more mature. As Heraclitus said:

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”

It’s okay to be who we are. I’m learning that there is space to exist without attachment to ‘my,’ ‘I,’ or ‘mine.’ These attachments often protect our ego, keeping us trapped in unhelpful habits that hinder genuine growth. Other stories and adventures await if we embrace everything within us—befriending our emotions and allowing our hearts to open. There’s a song to sing, like a bird in a tree, letting each note drift on the wind.

Today

“If we cut ourselves off from the reality of suffering, whether our own or that of others, we cannot have compassion.” — Thich Nhat Hanh

Like the lotus, we mature and bloom from the mud of our challenges. When we negate our struggles, we cause harm. While it’s important to let these feelings settle for clarity, we must remember that our mind’s chatter is just stories intertwined with the lives of others. We are not separate; our story is part of a larger tapestry of existence, and all truths are subjective.

We often prefer to stay in the light, avoiding what feels difficult or threatens our sense of self. Yet, by facing hard moments head-on, we can cultivate deep healing and growth. Suffering can become the seeds of wisdom.

A Simple Poem About Healing

“I’ve learned a whole lot more about the light. By being open to the darkness than by only enclosing myself in just light.” — Jennifer Williamson

Life has imparted wisdom about being honest and clear in our intentions. I strive to communicate as directly as possible to minimise misunderstanding, although I sometimes falter. It’s essential to recognise that how others react is beyond our control. I have learned that it’s okay to be strong in expressing myself if the motivation is clarity and broader benefit.

Time has taught me compassion and forgiveness for things that may never be acknowledged. I’ve learned forbearance, patience, grace, and kindness, regardless of circumstances. Open conversation is crucial; online communication often lacks nuance, leading to misunderstandings. It’s vital to avoid assumptions, as our perceptions can be flawed.

While it’s natural to seek peace and bliss, true presence involves accepting what is, which leads to equanimity. Our interconnectedness calls for clarity in our motivations. Western values often prioritise intellect and achievement, overshadowing the importance of compassion and emotional awareness.

Reflecting on my life, I realise I wasn’t taught to value the heart or develop wisdom-based loving-kindness. When we don’t relate well, we may feel adrift or confused, often leading to a sense of failure. It’s crucial to recognise that we don’t need to build walls or defend our identities. Open-heartedness doesn’t mean neglecting boundaries; instead, it involves flexibility and trust.

Ultimately, we must learn that our truths may not be absolute, and there’s space for growth beyond our self-narratives. Boundaries protect us, but they can adapt as we learn and build trust. We are responsible for nurturing the aspects of life we wish to flourish, knowing that compassion and genuine connection are vital.

In this moment, I feel like an onion, peeling away layers of healing from the scrunches of my life—those inflicted upon me, those I’ve caused, and those that have cycled back to me. To connect with my authenticity, I must look beyond personal meanings and develop awareness of how my life has unfolded. I need to relax into simply being, accepting the present as it is; perhaps this acceptance is a wake-up call.

I’ve learned to forgive myself for what I didn’t know and to trust that I can grow by becoming more thoughtful and open. It’s important to recognise my inner motivations and their impacts, cultivating long-term compassion instead of just momentary kindness. This isn’t always easy, especially when I’m feeling unwell and less resilient.

Over the years, I’ve learned to respect others and, more importantly, to value and respect myself. I’m learning to speak up despite my fear of loss and sudden goodbyes. My recent experience with the passing of my dear sister has taught me the importance of saying goodbye; we never know if we’ll have the chance to connect again. Regret lingers when goodbyes go unsaid.

I honour my feelings, even if they aren’t correct or true. These feelings arise from subjective, transient stories that can always be rewritten if I choose. I’ve learned to be brave in the face of adversity and uncertainty, acknowledging that I know very little. This blog is just a snapshot of my personal learning process.

Right now, I feel wobbly and exhausted, a result of a long illness. I sense echoes of vulnerability from years past. A wise man once told me, “No big deal, no expectations.” If I could remember this consistently, it would benefit me greatly. I must create space within myself and trust that everything will be okay.

Once I feel healthy and resilient again, I can turn inward, shedding layers like an onion to better understand my heart and motivations. I want to let go of the emotional undercurrents driving my actions to make space for growth and openness. My hope is to understand our shared humanity better, to benefit others, and to dissolve the unnecessary “me” and “my” positions that no longer serve me.

Continuing This Inner Journey

I share this as a starting point, feeling a shift in my life. It’s time to find the permission to open up, even if I don’t know how to begin. This post marks my commitment to keep going, despite fear. We often believe we know so much, but the truth is that we know very little. This art project is about opening my heart to what transcends the individual, exploring our humanity and the stories that shape us. It’s about understanding how we create meaning from our experiences and how tightly we cling to these perceived realities.

Here is a link to an inspiring and wonderful artist Christopher Remmers who is pondering the question “Why is authenticity important?” especially for creatives https://www.facebook.com/615659948893720/posts/962839977509047/?vh=e

“Everything reverts back to being genuine. Whenever there’s a gap, the only way to be a warrior is to refer back to the genuineness, which is somewhat raw and so tender and painful. That is the saving grace or the safety precaution, so that the warrior never goes astray and never grows a thick skin”

~ Chögyam Trungpa

‘WE KNOW WHAT WE ARE, BUT KNOW NOT WHAT WE MAY BE.’ ~ HAMLET

Well maybe and also maybe we do not. Maybe we only hear the stories we tell ourselves and maybe there is more to that, more underneath, more on a subtle undetected unconsciously driven level. More on an micro level, physically, emotionally, elementally, and energetically.

This is the journey I wish to take, to look deeper at this entity I call ‘me’ more deeply. Am I a sum of all the stories that I have listened to about myself and have told myself? Or is there another truth about who ‘I’ am?

I hope to understand the entity that I call ‘you’ too with more patience, understanding and acceptance.

I have faith that alongside the artwork, I can unravel from my own life conditioning and habits to give rise to a more open heart. To understand differently beyond the things that I think ‘I know’ to discovering a different truth than ‘my own’. Maybe, just maybe, in sharing this journey it can help another person too.

These senses of ours create a perception that feels absolute yet it is never ever so. We cling to our thoughts and idea of self and what matters to our ego so hard that we can’t see the wider picture. Things are never as we think we know it. So much is unknown, uncertainty is life and through this journey I hope there is an opening up of heart. To allow whatever this openness gives rise to. Nothing is known everything is uncertain and anything is possible. Just as Shakespeare wrote above “we know not what we may be”, can we find opportunity and comfort in that?

With Grace

“The everyday practice is simply to develop a complete acceptance and openness to all situations and emotions, and to all people, experiencing everything totally without mental reservations and blockages, so that one never withdraws or centralizes into oneself “ ~ Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

This is not where I am right now in the here and now but I hope and aim, with all of this artwork, enquiry and process to come to abide in this way.

My artwork is deeply rooted in the reflections I share here and the ongoing journey of learning and growth. It is inspired by conversations with individuals worldwide and calls for participation in various projects. The Being Human project invites your insights as well, focusing on life lessons and our interpretations of experience. As one among over 7 billion people, I ask: How do you navigate the complexities of being human? How do these experiences shape you? What stories do you carry, and how tightly do you hold onto them?

I share a poem;

Grace

~ by Alison K Smith

I folded in
Less like origami
More like an armadillo
Which I know really
Is more of a rolling
Into a ball
All armour and exposure

But I folded
I got caught in the creases
And the greasy smears
Of grubby fingers
A scrunched piece of self
Like a forgotten shopping list
In the bottom of a bag

A relic

Slowly the unfolding begins
With an archaeological patience
Smoothing and coaxing
Each fold and scrunch
Every blemish and tear

At times it is stark
At others it’s reverent
Holy and sacred
To midwife your soul
To encounter the grace
In the creases and smears
The rips and the tears

The story of a life
Lived

The story of
Living

The story of
Love