I had grown to have a sense of what I would really enjoy doing with whatever time I had left of this life and was aiming toward it. This has deeply and profoundly shifted, quietly, slowly, in an almost unnoticeable plot twist. I have shifted. Well whatever ‘I’ is. ‘I’ have no need to discover ‘myself’. In this last year, as mentioned in my own lockdown story post, it has been an inner retreat of sorts and have come to know more of the habits, tendencies and story of this personal life profoundly. I choose ‘just being’ over anything else now. Have moved more towards simply being, nothing more, nothing less whilst having gentle curiosity of the story of the experience that is life. There is sense of purpose still in understanding how people make sense of their lives, what it means to them, their circumstances and what they do with that. A call to explore how they have arrived where they are and of course continuing to support the human choir of voices in singing their stories and hearts out where it matters most for better wellbeing. Recognising an interconnectedness of all and shared humanity.
I am enjoying listening to people singing (not pop or familiar music just people singing freely) and feeling the sharedness of human community in heart, spirit and soul in the most soft loving wonderful way. It lifts the heart and sense of a shared consciousness. Seeing and sensing beyond the confines of ‘self’ ‘me’ ‘ ‘I’ into something else, which is for now unfathomable. Just beautiful and heart moving.
Learning to be more mindful noting, noticing integrating and hopefully growing more in heart and openness. Healing and freeing from poor mental well-being. Anything that has been taking me further and further away from the truest nature inside, which is hard to touch and connect with. I choose this now. I choose what feels harmoniously healthy in this life, this story. Not living for others but rather with others more wisely. When all is said and done this is all we take with us when we die. It is the seeds we take into the beyond, aware or not. This I have learned very much in this last 15 months after two major bereavements of a much loved sister and a parent. Helping and respecting people where necessary whilst maintaining the energy that feels right and in harmony within this person I call ‘Stacie’. In her truths, right or wrong it doesn’t matter as long as intention is good.
With regard to travelling I find myself further drawn to my home country. Feeling that connection with the story in which I find myself and the roots of this in the play of environment and ancestry. So I think more exploration here, in Ireland and a couple of other very specific places. (Thankfully my Nana has researched most of the ancestry, I thank her from the bottom of my heart). Connecting with heritage and the story of the lives, conditioning and environment into which I was born will be the main journey outside of specific journalistic purposeful oversees travel, and again most importantly to quiet spots for reflection and integration, to just be. Content in heart. Resting clearer into the seeds of this life story and whatever may be next.
There is a stronger energetic calling for going deeper inside, deeper into whatever is in there and quieting. No need nor feel for anything more. Just quieting and integrating. A quiet integrating nomad I suppose one may say, not that I want to really define anything with a label, but for the want of this post and explaining the plot twist this shall do. Letting go, becoming less solid in identity, having less of an opinion whilst taking the time to understand how ‘I’ came to be in this story that is the life experienced today.
Creating artwork from both realities, inside and perception of what feels outside (you). Then from what may exist beyond the confines of inside and out from the container that holds all of this experiencing. I can sense the depth and the need to let go of all that I think exists and what I think that means. That the truth is somewhere between. Exploring this ‘I’ and ‘me’ I keep calling ‘myself’ whilst also the sense of ‘you’ and whatever is perceived that creates this. (Well as far as limited perception and experience will allow). I no longer feel an allure or attraction for the extraordinary, for discovering myself nor for the sensory seeking.
There is a calling within to know the raw, the honesty the underneath and equally the overview simultaneously. I can’t find a language that best describes it , it is almost a quiet secret. The ordinary that goes unnoticed. The honesty, the meaningless of everything other than what we attach to it.
Fundamentally this entity that is called ‘me’ ‘I’ ‘Stacie’ has changed so far from the being that it was even a year/ six months ago never mind 10 years ago. But somehow I know the seeds were there, visible in brief moments. The calling within is taking me now on a different path. The wheel has turned. Everything has changed. It’s an instinct pulling deeper into a quieter, more still place. Life expressing itself differently. The beingness of this soul or consciousness striping away the layers of nonsense. What mattered once no longer matters and hasn’t for a long time. It has been coming for years, like a bird birthing with each small cracking of the egg. Now I see. So much shift, like a cooking lobster so subtle and having already happened before any awareness was possible. The lobster already passed into another reality. I am now in an (albeit subtly) shifted place. All may still seem the same, my eyes see the same, I still have the same basic fundamental make up and history but my being, life force, chi, flow, subtle energy, motivation (whatever name you wish to give to it) has changed and it feels okay, right, in harmony with …whatever. This may all seem vague and it may continue to be but I trust the artwork that arises will begin to speak from the language of this place/ space itself. Plot twists are pivotal points, I approach this gently, lovingly and quietly.