I have been working on a particular painting since 2016. It began with a deep feeling but no idea where the piece was heading. I just knew something needed expressing.
There wasn’t a knowing about anything just in the moment experiencing of an emotional world. The painting has been through many stages.
I would engage and disengage and this cycle was perpetual. I couldn’t understand why or what was going on or even how, around and around. Most pieces I have painted and finished (even if revisited later and adapted). So what was it about this painting that had me feeling connected with it and then disengaged, over and over? I would put it out of sight unable to look at it for long periods of time. Recently in March I decided the original piece wasn’t reflecting the emotion that arose around it, something wasn’t reflected or finding its way out so I threw myself at it emotionally and started all over again (then couldn’t due to Covid). I wiped out almost all of the features other than the shape of the figure in the middle. I didn’t know why but knew it was very necessary. Change was necessary. This was the first time I had picked the painting up since 2018.
As I looked at it early this morning I understood! Finally, such clarity! That feeling I had spoken about in my post Life Lessons- The Grace In being Human. This was it right here! The painting process has been needing me to give myself permission to flow free with the honesty of all that lives in my heart, unsuppressed. Free, unsquashed, contorted or restrained. The painting had been trying to be the emulation of my felt sense of love. Since 2016 there have been many moments where this expression has been open then closed. Circular. As much as my heart has needed to flow free feeling the love outwardly and healthily after much internal learning there hasn’t been the space to and in many moments I felt like I have did not have a right to. Instead I suppressed it and consequently suffocated the emotion, this part of being. This suppression and mental removal of right (very mistaken choice) resulted in an engage/ disengage relationship with the artwork. I was projecting both my outer and inner experience into this painting.
The painting always remaining half present and persistently unfinished.
As I looked early this morning I seen something. I seen the effect of this process on my mind, the stress of it all, yet somehow now in this moment here and now there is a manifestation of resolve, calm and strength within the character’s face, I suppose a reclamation (within my own psyche) of the right to exist regardless, also something remarkable was equally emerging below. A contrast of flowers springing up, not the half ‘idea’ of flowers from before but a well watered garden that is more realistic and growing fully in its glorious way, finer more refined detail. Seeds that it seems I had planted these past years regardless inner struggle of open/ closed, engage/disengage, here and now there is a coming to bloom (a wholeness of heart). The flowers are appearing and are contrasting the challenging burl of chaotic weather that is moving and pervading the upper half of the painting. Manifesting below appears to be a garden of beauty regardless the unfolding turmoil. There is a bed of deeply rooted, healthy, bright beauty. Who knew?!?!
For the first time I see this! It is there. The conscious space in just allowing is having some benefit somehow.
Emotionally (recently) I pulled a plug out on a stuckness and all of the stagnant energy begun to shift giving way to a fresh flow of energy. Seeing more clearly there has been a freeing and finally space. No longer feeling invisible (a life habit).
The process of painting appears to represent the authenticity of my experience with love these past few years. There must finally be a sense within in this moment that it is ok to bloom regardless. I’m happier, content and grateful and it feels okay to express this heart’s story, non-adapted nor constricted. Never again will I suppress any emotion or natural free flowing heart, it has had a deeply detrimental effect on ones soul. This painting and my relationship with it is it’s own story.
The quote from my earlier post:
‘In French, you don’t really say “I miss you.” You say “tu me manques” which means, “you are missing from me”
As I mentioned in my previous post I have been engaging in beliefs and behaviour that have denied my heart it’s inherent honesty. Suppressing feeling that needs to exist in order that I grow. With all compassion and understanding as to why, it was and is still my responsibility not to adapt and stifle for the (perceived not confirmed) comfort of others. This is an old conditioning that I no longer need to live by. It doesn’t matter any longer. Evaporated. Instead I have learned to speak clearly, upfront and honestly about what is there and to live with that no matter what. Even if it’s uncomfortable and means loss. I am no longer afraid of losing people, if they are meant to be there they will be. If not ok. Trust, congruence and then respect for all whatever the outcome. Let the people you love fly free, always.
It seems that in allowing, opening and giving space for heart flow, free with it’s honesty, there has been learning that ‘I have been missing from me’ and in lots of ways I have betrayed my own being in adapting and this is something I need to be more curious about to grow (taking that sense of ‘I’ and ‘me’ and ‘my own’ lightly). This has brought heart home (but without and sense of ‘self’ clinging because there is a wider world, other stories that all coexist not just ‘mine’). In this moment there is a coming to consciousness and a processing of a long story.
As mentioned in a previous post my sense is that everything is made up of just moments and stories. Moments and stories that we tell ourselves (that if we deeply look it is likely that we will find that are not really true, only in felt or perceived sense which isn’t based in any truth beyond our own ego). Narrative, not truth, everything exists, there is space for it all. I am all for applying a lightness of ‘I’ ‘mine’ or ‘my’ in statements and feelings (as discussed in Life Lessons) this includes the stories of this heart. All just moment to moment arising. Mind chatter transient and illusory in essence. We know nothing and know not what may be but only ‘our stories/narrative’ of what was, which wasn’t really what was just how we feel about it in this moments story. Seeking clarity as much as possible can really help.
The painting has and does embody this internal process. The elements that remain are emulating respect and finally some peace and sense of time and place. This piece is sharing the story of this heart.
Healing. Freedom to feel hearts honesty within this moment and the next. To bloom.
Happy ‘just being’, it is all just moments, moments of perceptual awareness, narrative and nothing more. 🥰.
I will update the finished piece on www.stacieamelia.com when it’s ready, fine detail still in the works.
Musically chummed today by Levon Minassian https://youtu.be/Eq4EJq65BGk and also a playlist of Nina Simone‘s best 🙏✨