Part of my life turning upside down was learning I have both a rare health condition called Transverse Myelitis as well as Multiple Sclerosis.  Neither condition can be cured, the Multiple Sclerosis may or may not get worse and I now need to help sustain my current health by injecting medication.  Having been someone whom has never relied on chemicals to heal my ails, has anxiety over not feeling in control of my body and a strong phobia of needles it has been quite a personal challenge.  The process of finding the right medication has been trial and error and the first brand of medication unbeknown to me was progressively making me very unwell.  I was not aware until it hit acute crisis in July. I had to be immediately taken off the drug (and another)  to bring me back to safety.  It was quite a shocking experience, especially to learn that the medicine I was being asked to trust was more harmful than the illness I was doing my best to manage.  I had been asked in consultation how things were going and did not know at the time that the medication was making me so unwell.  In the process of the change I also discovered that the medicine had been hugely limiting my physical capacity each day.  My quality of life had been reducing. It has taken a couple of months of very tough struggle to pull myself back from the brink, it was an incredibly awful experience. I’ve changed to a different drug (albeit taken more frequently) but I have begun recuperating and cannot quite believe the remarkable difference. 

This first stage of this travel (aside from the art project) alongside starting to heal from deep heartbreak was to support my recuperation and to learn my natural capacity now that I was no longer affected by previous medication.

I am so fortunate and grateful to still be here in this life to experience it.  

Vulnerability

It brought me to reflecting on how much we as humans are vulnerable on our own.  When we are born we need to rely on something external to be nurtured, nourished and safe else we are easy prey to the indiscriminate. Unlike other mammals and animals we are born incapable of looking after ourselves in a self protective way and this continues for ‘years’ as opposed to weeks or months.  We are truly at the mercy of our environment.  As we grow we need guidance to learn what is safe and what is not, how to conduct ourselves in order to survive (and during this time we need those whom are doing the guiding to be in good standing themselves else we may not get all of what we need to grow, survive and thrive), we are vulnerable to misinformation, projected fears, emotions of others, mistakes, manipulation, to being attacked, to neglect and other forms of abuse without having the ability to stop it, walk away and keep ourselves safe and most of the time we don’t even know that we are not safe. As we age we have to use our experiential knowledge and natural instinct to keep us safe.  If we become sick there are many forms of treatment from hollistic to pharmaceutical but we need to rely on information given to us by others to tell us what is best, we can’t just innately know…we can try and see for ourselves, sometimes that’s safe and sometimes it isn’t, sometimes we don’t know something has affected us dangerously until much later.  As we become older and less able to understand and discern what is supportive for us we need to rely on others yet again to keep surviving because we are vulnerable.  We need to rely on others. 

“With each passage of human growth we must shed a protective structure [like a hardy crustacean]. We are left exposed and vulnerable – but also embryonic again, capable of stretching in ways we hadn’t known before.” ~ Gail Sheehy

Much fear is born from our vulnerable places, anger evoked in an attempt to protect.  Insecurity lurks within us as we try to have faith and trust in others whilst holding awareness of our vulnerabilities and  relying on others when perhaps they didn’t keep us safe or support what was needed at the time.  

To be human means to be vulnerable.  

A fantastic  TED talk from Brene Brown eloquently and so honestly talks about this. 

The Power of Vulnerability https://youtu.be/KVR2GtxFqVo

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” ~ Brené Brown

Here also is an article from her which addresses our vulnerability as the very thing that builds emotional intimacy and how the societal fear of being vulnerable (shame) robs us of our desire to be connected with those we love. Only by sharing our most vulnerable selves can we build truly intimate and fulfilling relationships.   How we can stop living disappointed lives…by not avoiding  feeling vulnerable.  

http://spiritualityhealth.com/articles/brené-brown-how-vulnerability-holds-key-emotional-intimacy

As humans we are hard wired to be connected with others we are designed, naturally intended, to be interdependent with others but we tend so often to experience fear within our connectedness because we become aware of our vulnerability. The deeper we open our loving connecteing selves with others the deeper the degree we will experience fear.  Fear is symbolic of the existence of deep love just as dark is to light.  Societally we have been taught that being vulnerable is shameful, weak, wrong however being vulnerable is at the heart of our very human nature and is the key to authentically learning how to be in this world.  

I have been spending some time sitting within my own vulnerabilities, feeling into them, exploring and understanding how they have arisen.   I have learned that to know your vulnerabilities and accept them ‘just as such’ brings a gentle kindness into our lives and reduces harmful and unhelpful, stunting judgement giving space for growth. It’s ok to be vulnerable. 
Trust

Vulnerability and trust are such tentatively dancing bedfellows (I’m also as well saying vulnerability and safety because trusting is about discerning safety).  As humans we often err on the edge of both knowing we are vulnerable and working at trust trying to find the balance and our ability to have faith.  To know our experiences of what has and hasn’t been safe, where fear may have emulated unsafe when actually we have been safe and where we have known safety clearly.  Showing our vulnerabilities depends on how secure we feel on the inside.  When managed well vulnerability and trust grow experiences of love and joy and we need faith in the nature of life to take the chance to find them.  

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone –but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” Walter Anderson

Again there is so much to explore artistically and I hope that the themes begin to connect up as I go.  So…more later on the subject.